He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize