Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Can Purell be used as lube?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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