The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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