So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
