wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
