she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
