I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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