I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
