I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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