Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize