She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize