the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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