Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
