The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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