Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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