I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
