a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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