i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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