You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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