I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
