ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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