I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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