I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
