The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
