My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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