fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
