I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
