Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
