Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
