You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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