Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
