Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
