Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
