I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
