Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
