In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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