So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
