Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
