I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
