I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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