I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
