i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's rum buckets o'clock
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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