didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
