i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
