I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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