woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
