So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
