sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it's like iHOP with fire
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
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