The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
