I'm so fucking centered right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
