Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
