the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
