Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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