it hurts more in the daytime
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
