You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
